This time of year can be stressful for many of us. Expectations of all sorts have the potential of not being met. One piece that gets stirred up and perhaps one of the most important spoken or unspoken layers is the expectation or yearning for some feeling of a belonging and/or a sense of warmth that gets exchanged in meaningful ways. We may find that this longing can either be disappointed, or worse, absent altogether. It can be a time of year that sheds an uncomfortable light on the fact that relationships might not have grown and deepened over the year(s). Many of us have had a lack of intimate closeness in our early lives, making it a challenge to develop deeper connections as adults. My mother could tell me her errand list and how to clean a bathroom well, but we exchanged little in the way of feelings and more intimate thoughts.
It can be a time of year that sheds an uncomfortable light on the fact that relationships might not have grown and deepened over the year(s). Many of us have had a lack of intimate closeness in our early lives, making it a challenge to develop deeper connections as adults. My mother could tell me her errand list and how to clean a bathroom well, but we exchanged little in the way of feelings and more intimate thoughts.
And then there’s the larger world we live in— a culture that often puts a high value on productivity and external appearances. Here, it may not be surprising that there is a lack of attention and conscientious effort in developing a connection with others. And, to make things even more confusing in terms of emotional meaningfulness, a few college-age students I recently spoke with bemoaned the hook-up culture they were a part of. It made it all too easy to accept sex as an easy (and temporary) substitute for closeness but quickly left them feeling empty and unsatisfied.
Therapy can be an opportunity to delve into the variety of contributors that make it hard to emotionally invest in your relationships. Taking time to understand the substitutes that you accept in lieu of emotional intimacy may be the first step on a path to relationship building that can bring with it lasting support and fulfillment.
By Dr. Callae Walcott-Rounds